I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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