i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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