Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
