Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
