onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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