i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
