I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
