When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There's always time for handjobs
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
