If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
