my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
