Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
