hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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