just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
