my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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