if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
