I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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