every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
