I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
