You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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