The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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