Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
