so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
