It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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