I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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