it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
