You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
