I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
