In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
