She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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