when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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