I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
