Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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