Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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