Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
