If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
