Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
