i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
my liver is dry heaving
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
