I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
