I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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