I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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