So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
