I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
