i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
