I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
