3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
