my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
