am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
