Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
