I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
