Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
