My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
