Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
