Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
