Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
